Lockdown in our home is full of ups and downs. The prospect of lockdown initially filled me with dread, the inevitable increase in my workload and the fear that I just wouldn’t possess enough strength in my reserves to cope.
Whilst my friends worried about how to self isolate and coping with the expanse of time before them, I worried about my increasing exposure to a virus that I knew so little about and how I was going to create time to work and still be part of my family.
The stillness and slowing of time that lockdown homelife has brought has been punctured with a fast pace and chaos in my worklife that never seems to knit together. I can’t seem to make meet my two personas, Nurse and Fleur, instead they co exsist and just take over from each other, not blending in any way.
Isolation to me has felt like a journey of never quite being enough, I am not at work as much as I should be, I am not as present as a mum as I want to be, not as patient as a partner as I could be. Isolation has felt like a compromise in every area of my life. I just can’t seem to have enough time to unwind before the next wave of work that needs to be prepared for. I feel an immense pressure of juggling my roles and feeling that can’t drop a ball or we won’t have the money we need or the food in the cupboard or the chores completed that keep me sane.
I have enjoyed having my children at home, getting to know them again on a level that I didn’t before, seeing them learn and grow and interpret their thoughts and feelings has been wonderful. Having my husband home due to all his employment evaporating overnight has been lovely but also challenging as we learn our new identities in our relationship at a pace of life we aren’t familiar with. Isolation has made me question who I am and exposed many things to me about what I prioritise and why.
Given all the many things I feel I should be looking forward to the end of isolation but in truth I am not. I do not want my work to explode from everyone celebrating as I and my colleagues will be picking up those drunks from the floor and nursing those injuries from ‘fun times’. I will miss my children when they go back to school and I will have to learn to let them go again. I will need to be a single parent again on those long days when already on my knees with tiredness as my husband goes back to work. And most of all, I will miss the peace and simplicity, the quietness and ‘that time’ when everything seemed still with only my thoughts jumbling around making ripples around me.
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